Step 1:
Identify The Disagreement:
Instead of clearly stating what happened objectively; identify your partner as the cause of the problem and deny any responsibility for the disagreement happening.
Denying Responsibility Example: “My partner is… {describe how your partner is wrong so that’s why the disagreement is happening since you don’t agree with their wrongness}.”
Step 2:
Express Your Emotions:
Instead of expressing what you are feeling about what objectively happened; stay safe by hiding what you are feeling then start blaming your partner as the cause of what you’re feeling.
Blaming Example: “I feel… {describe how your partner is at fault for what you’re feeling (but don’t name what you’re feeling) because if they change then you wouldn’t have to feel this way}.”
Step 3:
Identify The Stimulus:
Instead of getting clear about what is stimulating your emotions and why; stay safe by not acknowledging that there is a stimulus and if there is a stimulus then it’s your partner’s fault so start projecting your emotions and behavior onto your partner.
Projecting Example: “I have the emotions I do because {describe how your feelings are stimulated by your partner’s behavior and how you have no choice but to feel that way because they have 100% control over how you feel and thus how you behave.}”
Step 4:
Discover A Solution:
Instead of discovering a win-win solution that resolves the stimulus (and thus resolves the emotions) within each partner; make demands through guilt-tripping, shaming or shoulding, ultimatums, criticizing or attacking your partner’s character, silent treatment, making threats, withholding affection, interrupting, intimidating, yelling, belittling, name-calling, mocking, being passive-aggressive, condescending, isolating, playing the victim, emotional blackmailing, or any other way to control or manipulate your partner’s behavior. Always demand and expect your partner’s compliance and obedience as if they are obligated.
Demanding Examples:
Guilt-tripping:
“If you really loved me, you would stop doing the things that make me upset. Don’t you care about how I feel? I thought you loved me.”
Shaming or Shoulding:
“You should be ashamed of yourself for not putting more effort into our relationship. I can’t believe you’re acting like this. You should be disgusted with yourself.”
Ultimatum:
“If you don’t change your behavior and start doing the right thing, I’m going to leave you. This is your last chance to change.”
Criticizing or attacking your partner’s character:
“You never do anything right. You’re just so incompetent and lazy.”
Silent treatment:
Ignoring your partner’s attempts to communicate, not responding to their messages or calls, or giving them the cold shoulder when they try to initiate a conversation.
Making threats:
“If you don’t do what I want, I’ll leave you and take the kids with me.”
Withholding affection:
Refusing to show physical affection, such as hugging, kissing, or holding hands, as a means of punishment or manipulation.
Interrupting:
Cutting off your partner mid-sentence, not allowing them to finish their thoughts or express their feelings. Being selfish, feeling superior, or that your feelings are more important.
Intimidating:
Standing over your partner, invading their personal space, or using aggressive body language to make them feel uncomfortable, frozen, shut down, or scared.
Yelling:
Raising your voice loader than necessary, shouting, or screaming at your partner during a disagreement. This is usually an unconscious attempt to dominate the conversation and shut your partner down. It’s a form of emotional abuse. If you’re yelling then you have lost control over your ability to be respectful, social, and civil, thus communication has broken down.
Belittling:
“You really think you can communicate? Don’t make me laugh; you lack the skills.”
Name-calling:
Using derogatory or offensive terms to insult your partner, like:
“stupid,” “idiot,” or “loser.”
Mocking:
Imitating your partner’s voice or mannerisms in a sarcastic and demeaning way to make fun of them.
Being passive-aggressive:
Giving backhanded compliments or making sarcastic comments, like:
“Sure, you did a great job cleaning the house… if you wanted to live like a pig.”
Condescending:
Speaking to your partner as if they are inferior or less intelligent, such as:
“I can’t believe I have to explain this to you again. It’s so simple.”
Playing the victim:
Constantly portraying yourself as the one who’s always suffering or being treated unfairly, making your partner feel guilty or wrong, like:
“You never consider my feelings. You’re always gaslighting me. Your behavior is abusive and horrible, and you know it.”
Isolating:
Controlling your partner’s social interactions by discouraging or preventing them from spending time with other people who provide support systems, like:
“Can’t you see? Whenever you involve others, they end up driving a wedge between us, and our problems just get worse. If we really want to make this work, we should focus on each other and my lead. We don’t need anyone else interfering in our relationship.”
Emotional blackmailing:
Using emotions like fear, obligation, or guilt to manipulate your partner into doing something that is against their best interests, like:
“If you leave me, I don’t know what I’ll do. I might fall apart or do something reckless. You’re the only thing keeping me together. You’re my everything. I have nobody without you.”
Engaging in Couple’s Enlightenment education naturally brings about fulfilling and enlightened relationships.