We had already texted for a week and a half prior so we knew a bit about each other but no history of having met. At the end of the date I didn’t feel right trying to kiss her or anything, as we had only been talking, no cuddling or touching, but as I was saying goodbye to walk ahead to my car she asked me to give her a hug before I left, so I guess that’s a good sign?
I just wonder if I’m sometimes too reserved on first dates and not flirty enough and not making it feel more intimate. I’m usually able to be myself, and I always make the girl laugh and I don’t think the conversation is ever overly awkward or boring.
After the date I texted her a short time later and she responded almost immediately. I sent a few more texts and she responded to both within seconds, and heart reacted one. So that felt positive too. That was Thursday night.
She also texted back again early Friday morning, then we briefly exchanged messages Friday afternoon. But I sent a text that same Friday evening asking if she wanted to make plans again and that last message was left with no response to all weekend.
Now it’s Monday so I’m overthinking. Is it normal for early phase dating to go a few days without responding to someone? Or am I getting ghosted?
The above screenshot was what I sent after the date. I’m the blue text. So I’m a bit confused… Why reply like that Thursday, but ghost Friday?
Other than that, everything you describe sounds great, but it’s usually what is not seen and thus cannot be described that stands out to women. Hence, why the screenshot you sent is very helpful in identifying exactly the problem:
It’s your communication and how you’re communicating in that brief text screenshot. With this type of communication, she likely only dated you because you’re a nice guy, and she wanted to see if there was more to it than that. “Nice guys” can usually end up being great friends, too, if nothing else, so there are benefits to women dating nice guys.
Why am I calling you a “nice guy” and how can she identify that you are a nice guy? In your blue text, apologizing for something that doesn’t need an apology. Over-apologizing diminishes the impact of a genuine apology. Apologies should be reserved for behaviors that led to her hurt feelings, choices you made that caused significant harm or inconvenience to her, you’ve made a commitment to her and were unable to fulfill it. Typically, it is appropriate to apologize for choices you made intentionally, over which you had full control, and that, in retrospect, resulted in some form of harm.
Instead of apologizing, your communication should focus on helping her feel relaxed and safe to express her feelings and needs. Then you are not constantly asking her: “Is everything okay? Are you sure? Is there something I could be doing better?”. Usually women can go with the flow quite easily, so when you’re constantly checking in, it ruins the vibe. Continuously anticipating a woman’s feelings and needs can make her feel overwhelmed or smothered by your “good intentions”.
When you are confident that you have created a safe space for her to express herself, then you have protected her sense of safety to freely express her feelings and needs. That’s what should be the focus of every man when dating a woman.
Yes, you did give “bad instructions” that caused her to be 20 minutes late, but if she felt safe to express her feelings (which I’m sure she did because you have a nice guy vibe) and she didn’t mention it, then it didn’t matter to her, so it shouldn’t matter to you.
Then after, she assures you, “It’s okay! You don’t have to apologize for that.” you continue to double-down that maybe it wasn’t okay (which suggests that you don’t trust her to tell you her honest feelings) because “It could’ve been a little better planned by me”.
Never put a woman that you’re dating into the position where she feels obligated to reassure you. Seeking reassurance places an emotional burden on her, where she feels responsible for maintaining your self-esteem (insecurity, self-doubt, self-worth) where the focus becomes about your emotional well-being which is seeking validation from her.
Energetically speaking, it makes the date all about you and what you’re lacking within yourself. That’s why confidence and self-assurance are attractive qualities to women, and constantly seeking reassurance will undermine romantic feelings that relate to sexual attraction.
Also, when you say: “The date could’ve been a little better planned by me, but hopefully it was worthwhile for you anyway”, it creates an unspoken impression that you had the potential to create a better experience for her but didn’t take the time to think it through and make better plans. This comes across that you’re not showing initiative, care, nor ambition. Energetically, it conveys: “I’m low energy, and your value is low on my priority scale. It could have been better, but hopefully it was good enough for a low value woman as yourself.”
Psychologically speaking, the message could also offer a tone of self-criticism, regret, or dissatisfaction which dwells on the shortcomings coming from inner-blame. Of course, this also ties into self-worth and not having a stable sense of emotional well-being.
Of course, you were not trying to give this impression, and you would have never guessed that these interpretations would be part of the dynamic of dating, especially when you’re just trying to be your good intentioned self, but dating includes patterned variables between men and women that happen energetically, psychologically and on the biological levels too.
And these variables are precisely the reasons she didn’t respond to your request for a second date, even though, considering the first date on the surface, it did seem like she was into you. Especially since she wanted a hug, she hearted your texts, you made her laugh, nothing was awkward, and you were comfortable within yourself; the conversations were not boring, etc. Yet, as surprising as it is to hear, these patterned variables are what influenced her decision to not have a second date.
The good news is that anybody can learn to pick up on these patterned variables. Anything worth learning takes a learning curve, but it’s always worth it in the end because you will succeed in your endeavors through learning and apply yourself. You can also accelerate the process by working with someone who deeply familiar with the patterned variables running behind the scenes in dating. Let’s work together.